Bush Adds Subprime Mortgages to Axis of Evil

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Following a turbulent week in regards to foreign policy, President Bush has temporarily removed Iran from the Axis of Evil. For the time being, Bush announced subprime mortgages would be joining the Axis of Evil on a trial basis.

Based on documentation detailing Iran's decision to halt production of nuclear weapons in 2003, President Bush reluctantly moved his Iranian flag computer icon next to his computer's recycling bin icon.

Standing next to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Bush said, "Although Iran is definitely still dangerous, it has come to my attention that subprime mortgages have been with us, but against us, but not with us in a good way. As the world knows, either you are with us or against us, but you can't be with us in a bad way, which means that if you are with us, but not in a good way, you can't fool us. So you see, fool me once, but if you fool me, you can't get fooled again." As Bush completed his sentence, Secretary Paulson drank a large glass of water to wash down the tylenol he took during Bush's speech.

Bush noted subprime mortgages have earned a place in the Axis of Evil because they have made the bold decision to fight Americans on our own soil. In an attempt to fight subprime mortgages, Bush alluded to his plan to freeze interest rates for a five-year period. Despite the assessment that the freeze will only help 240,000 of the two million people hurt by subprime mortgages, the Bush Administration is confident their plan will be a success. As Press Secretary Dana Perino noted, "Hey, you can't strike out all the time, right? Eventually, one has to get through for a hit."

In response to the new face of the Axis of Evil, Republican presidential candidates reacted quickly to the news. While Tom Tancredo pointed out that subprime mortgages are Mexican as evidenced by the prefix 'sub' meaning below or beneath something great like the United States, Mitt Romney regrettably confirmed that his uncle is married to three subprime mortgages, but insisted his Mormon faith would not influence his policy if elected President of the United States.

Ahmadinejad Kicks Off Comedy Tour

NEW YORK (NB) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked off the fall leg of his 2007 comedy tour this week in New York. The tour known as Mahmoud: Rude Dude of Nukes is expected to attract significant attention at every tour destination.

Ahmadinejad opened with a show at Columbia University in New York. Predictably, he relied on the familiar material that earned him his reputation as a cross between Dane Cook and Adolf Hitler. The beginning of his set was centered around his well known routine 'Israel is Making me Miserable'. In his famous routine, Ahmadinejad neurotically kvetches about how a state so small could make him so meshuggenah. As the night went on, Ahmadinejad worked his way through other classics such as 'Jew's on First' and 'Black People vs. Niggas vs. Jewish People'.

Like many comics, Ahmadinejad used the performance to test new material on the crowd. His new material was met with a mix of laughter and boos from the Columbia audience. In particular, one new segment drew a significant crowd reaction. After performing a Jon Stewart like impersonation of President Bush, Ahmadinejad stated, "What is the difference between the Holocaust, an Iranian homosexual, and Haley's Comet?...Only Haley's Comet happened in the last 100 years!" Following a mixed reaction from the crowd, Ahmadinejad adapted George Carlin's 'The Seven Words You Can't Say on TV' for the Columbia audience. Ahmadinejad's version, 'The 17,000 Words You Can't Say in Iran' brought the crowd into a fit of laughter as he concluded his set.

Recognizing Ahmadinejad's ability to draw a crowd, Lions Gate Films has cast Ahmadinejad in the sequel to their new movie Good Luck Chuck. Ahmadinejad will replace Dane Cook as the lead in the upcoming film. Good Mood Mahmoud is expected to be released in the fall of 2009.

My Advice For Iran

Iran,

What's up Persian Princess? You lookin' good girl. That new hijab you are sporting totally matches your sexy ankles. Huh, what did you say? No, of course I am not punking you girl! Oh, I get it. I know things haven't been the same since you’ve stopped gracing the cover of every weekly news magazine, but don't get downtrodden you sexy thang. It’s a cruel world, but we both know you aren't as good-looking as Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. This doesn't mean you can't be front page news; it simply means you need a makeover to win back our hearts and short attention spans. Therefore, you should know that I am here to help and offer my advice during this period of low self-esteem.

The first thing you should do is acknowledge your competition. With LiLo passing out intoxicated in cars and Paris crying on her way back to jail, times are tough for an older lady like you. Let's face it, those bitches are in their prime and your history extends almost 6,000 years. Basically, you need to face the facts and realize that you are a cougar. Although, you aren't a spring chicken anymore, you can't be intimidated by LiLo and Paris. Quite simply, you are just going to have to outslut those other girls for attention. I am not talking about glory holes, let's keep it somewhat decent. After all, we still want to be able to fantasize about you. Therefore, I recommend that you get a tattoo. Specifically, you need a tramp stamp. In case you aren't clear, a tramp stamp is the tattoo located on a woman's lower back, just above her ass. You just need a lil' somethin' somethin' to make us want to know more and picture what you'd look like bent over. I don't know what design you should pick, but it should probably express your antipathy for the Great Satan, the United States of America. Just remember, everyone is intrigued by a bad girl.

I know that old habits die hard, but it is time for a new gimmick. Sure, the whole Holocaust was a myth conference was adorable in a cancer is funny kind of way, but you need to be smarter about these things. Haven't you learned that everyone hates the Jews? You need to think outside the box if you really want to captivate us. I think you should hate something original like grandmas. How about creating a musical where grandmas are tortured to the music of the Beatles? I think this would get you headlines for at least two weeks. Just think it over.

In a similar vein, you need to work hard to keep surprising us. Yes, blowjobs are great, but if I know exactly when you are going to put the ice cube in your mouth, it just doesn’t feel the same. In that respect, the whole overly dramatic "we are going to be a nuclear country" thing is getting a bit played out. Sure, that Gnarls Barkley song "Crazy" was really great the first 18 times you heard it, but all of a sudden the ladies didn't feel the immediate need to dance and blue ball guys at clubs. I'm just saying the nuke thing is kind of repetitive and you should probably think of a twist to compete with Lost during sweeps. I know that our cultures are different, but since you want to be noticed, you’ll need to remember that we are a short attention span nation. I don’t know how many ways I can say it, but all of us stopped caring about whether or not Mulder and Scully would be a couple after a few years. Surprise us you little minx and I am sure we won’t be able to stop talking about you again.

Listen babe, I know it is frustrating to be constantly competing with the pretty girls at school for attention, but I don’t want you to ever forget about your appeal as the crazy girl who will do anything for attention. Hang in there and feel free to take my advice, I am pretty sure you’ll be back on our minds immediately. If all of my suggestions do not seem to be working very well, I think you should have a threesome with LiLo and Paris. Obviously, you’ll need to videotape it and accidentally release it to the media. This will keep us salivating over you on every hourly news show that airs in this country. Well, at least until the next season of American Idol begins.

Iran Condemns G8 for Changing its Bedtime

Tehran (AP) - In response to last week's Group of Eight (G8) summit, Iran has publicly condemned the G8 for recommending that an earlier bedtime be imposed on the Middle Eastern nation. Foreign Ministry Spokesman Mohammad-Ali Hosseini stated, "It is shocking the G8 could suggest that Iran go to bed a little earlier when Saudi Arabia and Jordan can go out as late as they want. Seriously, this is so unfair! Everyone knows that HBO is a lot more entertaining after midnight and we've really been looking forward to the next edition of Taxicab Confessions. Oh my god, this is so ridiculous! We did not sneak into Borat when we found out it received an R-rating and was made by a Zionist. What more do you want from us? We are so tired of watching Saudi Arabia get her way by ignoring her curfew. This is so lame." Iranian Official Mohammad-Ali Hosseini bit his lip to hold back tears, ran into his room and slammed the door.

When notified that Iran was unhappy about the results of the G8 summit, members of the G8 issued a prompt reply. On behalf of the nations in the G8, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia stated, "Sometimes Iran can be so ungrateful about all the privileges she has in her era. For example, when I was her age, I had to tread my way through snow just to fight the Cold War." Putin then ran his hands through his thinning hair and let out a deep sigh.

Iranian officials have declared that Iran will be playing a lot of Nintendo Wii at night, instead of reading books like the G8 suggested.