Turkey to Withdraw From Thanksgiving

ISTANBUL (NB) - In a week marking turbulent relations between the United States and Turkey, a Turkish official declared that if Congress passes a resolution declaring the killings of Armenians as genocide, Turkey will no longer be a part of Thanksgiving.

Turkish ministry spokesman Levent Bilman addressed Turkey's position. "There will be serious ramifications if the United States Congress passes this resolution. Besides recalling our ambassador to the U.S. and cutting our ties to the U.S. military, we will no longer be a part of Thanksgiving. We recognize the importance of Thanksgiving to Americans and we hope they remember you can't spell Thanksgiving without Turkey...Well, at least you can't spell Thanksgiving without the letters 't' and 'k', which are definitely found in the word Turkey," said Bilman.

The congressional resolution focuses on the killings of up to 1.5 million Armenians by Ottoman Turks. While many scholars label the event as genocide, Turkey asserts that the deaths were not systematic, which is a crucial element to the definition of genocide. Since Turkey offers the United States logistical support in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, American politicians have had a particularly partisan reaction to the resolution.

Despite threats from Turkey, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has vowed to push ahead with the resolution. According to Pelosi, "It saddens me that Turkey has threatened to pull out of Thanksgiving, but truthfully, my constituents in San Francisco don't even eat turkey anymore. As a constituency group with a significant amount of vegetarians, we prefer Tofurkey."

President Bush has continued to speak out against the resolution. After publicly denouncing the resolution last week, Bush plans to address the nation regarding the recent developments between the United States and Turkey this week. According to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Bush will hold a press conference regarding the resolution as soon as he can master the word tryptophan.

Alberto Gonzales Still Showing Up to Work

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Events in Washington D.C. have been a little too familiar recently. As many discuss the situation in Iraq and the upcoming 2008 Presidential Election, one face continues to appear throughout Washington. Despite no longer holding a government position, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales continues to show up to the Department of Justice everyday for work.

At approximately 7:30 AM, Alberto Gonzales appears daily at the Department of Justice wearing a suit and carrying a Dora the Explorer lunchbox. Baffled by the continuity of the situation, the White House has yet to develop an exit strategy from this uncomfortable situation.

"To tell you the truth, we just haven't figured this one out yet. It's quite bizarre. Every afternoon, we explain to Mr. Gonzales that he no longer works here, but the following morning he always shows up for work. It's almost like he doesn't remember what happened the day before," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

According to an unidentified source, Gonzales spends the majority of his days walking through the halls of the Department of Justice introducing himself to staff members, filling out yesterday's crossword puzzle, and watching the movie The Sixth Sense.

As news spreads throughout Washington about Gonzales' presence in the Department of Justice, the Democrats are rumored to be giving serious thought to squandering their opportunity to do anything during a lame duck Presidency as a form of protest.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi held a press conference to address Gonzales' daily appearances at the Department of Justice. "Mr. Gonzales is manipulating the American people and it must stop. Last night, I watched Seinfeld and happened to come across the episode where George, despite being fired from his job, shows up to work everyday as if nothing happened," stated Pelosi.

An impassioned Pelosi continued, "The Democrats are not going to stand here and watch Alberto Gonzales neglect the wishes of the American electorate. In fact, we will no longer stand and watch any of these outrageous situations occur," said Pelosi. After pausing, Pelosi kept to her word and sat down on a massage chair from the Sharper Image.

Bush to Award Medal of Contempt

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – As the House Judiciary Committee voted to cite two members of the Bush administration for contempt of Congress, the White House announced President Bush would officially present the Presidential Medal of Contempt next week.

Current White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers, both cited in contempt of Congress for their failure to comply with subpoenas issued in the investigation of the firings of eight U.S. attorneys, will be named recipients of the Presidential Medal of Contempt.

Bush, who will award the Medal of Contempt during a Congressional recess, is said to have scheduled the ceremony during recess in the hopes of joining the recipients for a game of kickball following the ceremony.

The ceremony will mark the inaugral Presidential Medal of Contempt event. Bush declared his passionate enthusiasm for the award. “I am honored to award these deserving Americans with the Presidential Medal of Contempt. Throughout my life, The Contempest has always been my favorite Shakespearian story. Bolten and Miers are like a couple of Montagues and Catapults. I love the way those fellas just tame the stew,” exclaimed a boisterous Bush.

The Democratic Congress reported a sense of outrage after being informed of Bush’s decision to recognize Miers and Bolton with an award.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated the Democrats would respond swiftly to Bush’s continual practice of presenting awards to members of the administration with questionable records of service.

With Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid by her side, Pelosi said, “This nation has had enough of President Bush ceremoniously handing out medals to undeserving Americans like George Tenet, Harriet Miers, and Josh Bolten. To show that we will not stand for this abuse, the Democratic Congress will be presenting legislation to retroactively instate Opposite Day.”

Senator Reid added, “I look forward to attending the Presidential Medal of Contempt ceremony…Oops, looks like Opposite Day just started bitches!”