Ahmadinejad Addresses Pakistan in Final Appearance Before Writers Strike

By Matt Kaufman & Noah Berkowitz

MEMPHIS (NB) - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran and comedian, performed a stand-up gig yesterday in Tennessee as an impending writers strike loomed over the entertainment industry.

"Tonight was likely my last opportunity to get some work in before the writers go on strike. Sure, I write a lot of my own material, but I work with a team of anti-Semites to come up with new material. With the strike pending, I had to do one last gig with the help of my comedy writers," said Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad utilized the appearance to weigh in on the current situation in Pakistan. Over the weekend, President Pervez Musharraf declared martial law and suspended Pakistan's constitution indefinitely. Launching into new material that clearly payed homage to Jerry Seinfeld, Ahmadinejad stated, "What's the deal with things in Islamabad, Pakistan? I mean is it Islam or is it bad?" Although the Tennessee crowd seemed uninterested in international events, Ahmadinejad continued, "The President of Pakistan is named Musharraf. If you ask me, it sounds like what they really need is a New Sharraf in town!"

While Ahmadinejad's performance was symbolic of how many comedy fans could be impacted by the writers strike, it was announced that one show would continue despite the upcoming strike. In a press release from Comedy Central, the network declared that Carlos Mencia's show Mind of Mencia will continue to be produced despite the writers strike because the show is written by a team of mentally impaired gerbils who are not affiliated with Writers Guild of America.

John Edwards' Wife Disappointed He Is Not a Black Woman

CHAPEL HILL, NC (AP) - Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, revealed her disappointment in her husband during a recent interview. Noting that Edwards currently trails both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in Democratic fundraising totals, Elizabeth stated that despite a sincere effort, she has failed at her attempts to make John a black woman.

"I have tried extremely hard, but I just can't make John a black woman," said an exhausted Elizabeth Edwards. "Sure, John has overtly feminine features and in our state of North Carolina we have black people, but that still won't make John a black woman. If we have learned anything during this campaign, it is the fact that the country might not be ready for a white, Christian man to lead the United States."

Elizabeth listed a variety of techniques she has employed in the hopes of turning John Edwards into a black woman. Elizabeth is confident that if John can successfully become a black woman, he will surge ahead in the fundraising race. A list of tactics used by Elizabeth Edwards include: forcing him to sit in the back of the campaign bus, spending quality time with Oprah's friend Gayle King, letting him know nothing could be finer than the taste of syrup on his pancakes in the morning, and referring to him as Venus in his weekly tennis game with hair stylist Vidal Sassoon. Regardless of her attempts to help him gain ground in the polls, John Edwards is still not a black woman.

An exasperated Elizabeth exclaimed, "Things have changed so much in our country since 2004. It is almost like there are two Americas. In one America, the son of a mill worker can really inspire people to believe in the American dream. In the other America, a black guy and a woman come along and all of a sudden being the son of a mill worker is about as inspiring as being Carlos Mencia's fluffer."

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

After I spent last week lobbying Comedy Central to cancel that awful show Mind of Mencia, I flew home this weekend. On the plane, my flight attendant Lisa informed the passengers that in the event of an emergency, women and children would exit the plane first.

What a bunch of bullshit. I wonder which lawyer came up with that ridiculous policy. What good are women and children without a doctor to save their lives?

In fact, I think the Titanic had so few survivors because women and children were given priority during evacuation. After all, it is common knowledge that children aren't doctors.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Intervention Held for Erratic Dow Jones

NEW YORK (AP) - After a particularly reckless week, the closest friends and family of Dow Jones staged an intervention in an attempt to stabilize her erratic swings. Jones, largely known for her promiscuity, is famous for being filled by thirty large organizations at the same time. The scrutiny of being a public figure with a promiscuous reputation has led Jones to struggles with severe highs and lows and stints in rehab. Following her largest surge in nearly five years, Jones was confronted about her lack of stability.

The intervention included many famous friends of Dow Jones. Attendants included: Bill Gates of Microsoft, Michael Eisner of Disney, and David Spade. Reportedly, Carlos Mencia attempted to be included, but was banned from participating in the intervention due to fears that his 'comedy' routine might make Jones more upset.

According to David Spade, "It's time for Dow Jones to say buh-bye to her recent behavior. A lot of people are invested in her, which means she has to recognize some level of responsibility as a public figure. Unfortunately, she thinks being filled with thirty large organizations on a daily basis entitles her to behave in any manner she chooses." A sardonic Spade continued, "After losing Farley, I was like this is Deja Vu, but Dow Jones was like 'Is that a new club in the Meat Packing district?' So, I was like whatever, but then she was like whatever." Without making an obvious point, Spade concluded, "There, I said it."

In related news, McDonald's announced it would be selling its ownership of Boston Market after discovering the restuarant offered vegetables to customers.

Comedy Central: We Thought Mencia Was Horatio Sanz

NEW YORK (AP) - In an attempt to clear up years of confusion, Comedy Central has published an official press release in to explain its decision to air the series Mind of Mencia. According to Comedy Central's Executive Vice President Tony Fox, the series has been on television simply because Comedy Central mistook Carlos Mencia for a svelte Horatio Sanz.

"At Comedy Central, it has come to our recent attention that we have made a huge mistake. We were very surprised to learn that Mind of Mencia does not star a sort of trim Horatio Sanz. Truthfully, we had never watched this show, but signed a contract with the assumption that Horatio Sanz would be a Latin Chris Farley. Sadly, we were wrong on many counts. After sitting through another Mind of Mencia commerical featuring midgets and Carlos Mencia in drag, we have realized our error and apologize to our viewers," said Fox.

Comedy Central will attempt to fill the time slot occupied by Mind of Mencia with unreleased footage of Dave Chappelle shopping for groceries. This footage, which will be narrated by Charlie Murphy, is believed to feature Chappelle repulsed to find out that Count Chocula is a pale, caucasian vampire.

Jews for Jesus Stymied By A Game of Telephone

PHOENIX (AP) - Jews for Jesus, an organization dedicated to the conversion of Jews to Christianity, suffered a blow to its recruitment after a mix-up regarding the location of its July meeting. The organization, which reveals the location of its meetings through different interactive games, inappropriately chose to reveal the location of its upcoming meeting during a game of telephone. As a result, Jews for Fleeces reported a record number of attendees at its July meeting.

The two organizations were both met with a surprise on July 19 at Pizzeria Bianco on East Adams Street. Huddled in parkas and drinking hot cocoa, the three members of Jews for Fleeces embraced a group of enthusiastically creepy Jews for Jesus members. "I was really excited to see some new members this month. Their body heat really added something that was lacking at our recent meetings. I don't want to kvetch, but I get a little chilly sometimes. I spoke to a doctor about it, but I think I just have bad circulation," said Joshua Schwartz, Founder of Jews for Fleeces.

Andrew Vidansky, Western Region Membership Coordinator, took responsibility for the recent mishap. Citing past successes, Vidansky said, "As a legitimate organization, we are committed to supporting our events through interactive methods. Over time, we've found that our members eagerly anticipate monthly games which reveal the location of our meetings. Unfortunately, I am responsible for choosing the game of telephone to reveal this location. Last month, we played Red Rover and I swear it was a success." Vidansky admitted that he had not played telephone in years, but activities endorsing childhood nostalgia are generally not accepted by most cults. Thinking on his feet and attempting to recover from his error, he explained that this year's recruitment slogan is 'Jews for Jesus: You Can't Do That In Other Cults'.

Jews for Fleeces, an organization committed to keeping Jews warm despite their Semitic heritage, is the third least popular organization in Phoenix. Both Ma'ams for Spam and the Carlos Mencia Fan Club have fewer members.