Intervention Held for Erratic Dow Jones

NEW YORK (AP) - After a particularly reckless week, the closest friends and family of Dow Jones staged an intervention in an attempt to stabilize her erratic swings. Jones, largely known for her promiscuity, is famous for being filled by thirty large organizations at the same time. The scrutiny of being a public figure with a promiscuous reputation has led Jones to struggles with severe highs and lows and stints in rehab. Following her largest surge in nearly five years, Jones was confronted about her lack of stability.

The intervention included many famous friends of Dow Jones. Attendants included: Bill Gates of Microsoft, Michael Eisner of Disney, and David Spade. Reportedly, Carlos Mencia attempted to be included, but was banned from participating in the intervention due to fears that his 'comedy' routine might make Jones more upset.

According to David Spade, "It's time for Dow Jones to say buh-bye to her recent behavior. A lot of people are invested in her, which means she has to recognize some level of responsibility as a public figure. Unfortunately, she thinks being filled with thirty large organizations on a daily basis entitles her to behave in any manner she chooses." A sardonic Spade continued, "After losing Farley, I was like this is Deja Vu, but Dow Jones was like 'Is that a new club in the Meat Packing district?' So, I was like whatever, but then she was like whatever." Without making an obvious point, Spade concluded, "There, I said it."

In related news, McDonald's announced it would be selling its ownership of Boston Market after discovering the restuarant offered vegetables to customers.

Financial Advice: Ask A Bear

Q: Hi Noah -- Should I invest in Blackstone stock? Alex M. in Palo Alto, CA

A: Thanks for writing in with a great question Alex. As a UC Berkeley alumnus, I am more than qualified to respond to your inquiry. You might not be know this, but as a Cal Bear, my school has received many accolades in economics and business. With my Berkeley education, I'd recommend that you allow me to manage your entire savings.

Since its recent IPO, Blackstone has been getting a ton of publicity. As a result, my inbox has been flooded with questions about his stock. This guy has been around forever, but it is great to see the financial world giving him some attention. Let's face it, people have been getting dressed for a long time and Mr. Blackstone's list of the best and worst dressed celebrities simply acknowledges the obvious: Everyone wears clothes, but not everyone looks good wearing bling.

I am not sure why Wall Street is behind the curve on Mr. Blackstone, but I have a hunch. Personally, I believe the interest in Blackstone is related to increasingly progressive attitudes towards homosexuality. While it was clear to me that only a homosexual would create an annual list of the worst dressed women, it has not always been cool to be gay. Since Rosie O' Donnell was rumored as a potential successor to host The Price Is Right, it is now mostly cool to be gay on either coast of the United States. Quite simply, more welcoming feelings towards homosexuals have enabled Wall Street to lovingly embrace this fabulous stock.

As a bear, I believe this stock is going to rise over time. While my co-worker has referred to my advice as bull, I find her comments offensive on two fronts. First, I do not appreciate her referring to my advice as bullshit when I know this stock will go up. Additionally, I would like to speak out against her anti-Semitism. Her inappropriate reference to my investment tips as bull is an outdated anti-Semitic stereotype which perpetuates the belief that Jews have horns on their head. If you had a glimpse at my chest, you’d know that I am indeed a bear.

In conclusion, I highly recommend that you buy this stock. As long as nude beaches continue to be a destination for the elderly, attractive people will buy clothes. Unless good-looking people bathe nude, you can count on Mr. Blackstone’s list of best and worst dressed celebrities to impact our culture and our wallets.

Recommendation: BUY NOW!

Please email your questions on investing to noahlotmore@gmail.com

Noah does not know the difference between a bear market and bull market. He is under the impression that as a hairy graduate of UC Berkeley, he is a bear. It is strongly suggested that you do not take his financial advice.