NHL More Popular Than Gonorrhea, Closing In On Crabs

NEW YORK (NB) - In a new poll, the National Hockey League (NHL) has experienced a surge in popularity, which some experts believe may rejuvenate the public perception of the NHL. The results of the recent poll show that subjects polled would rather watch the NHL than get gonorrhea. While the NHL appears to be more popular than gonorrhea, the league is still trailing the sexually transmitted disease crabs by a couple of percentage points.

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the results in a recent press conference. "It is a proud day for the NHL. Just a few years ago, the name Pascal Leclaire was significantly less familiar to North Americans than gonorrhea, but in a short period of time, the NHL has proved that it is indeed the Comeback Kid," proclaimed an enthusiastic Bettman.

Although Bettman did not address potential reasons for the increasing popularity of a name like Pascal Leclaire, it is believed that many survey respondents mistook Leclaire for the popular pastry the eclair.

Bettman outlined a clear vision for the future when he stated, "This is a historic day for hockey. These polling numbers make me confident that in a few years time, people will rather watch hockey than scratch their pubic lice."

The poll revealing the NHL to be more popular than gonorrhea was conducted by Zogby International Polling, which also predicted Barack Obama would beat Hillary Clinton by ten points in the New Hampshire Primary.

The results of the Zogby International Poll are as follows:

If you were left on an isolated plank of wood floating through the ocean, which one of the following would cause you the most amount of self-inflicted pain? - Results depict data gathered on January 7, 2008

Mind of Mencia Marathon 31%
Gonorrhea 24%
NHL Hockey 22%
Crabs 21%
All You Can Eat Spam Buffet 2%

(Margin of Error +/- 3 percentage points)

Team Wins NBA Championship

SOMEWHERE (AP) - One of the teams that plays professional basketball won the National Basketball Association (NBA) championship at some point this month. A team of large, athletic individuals appeared elated to win the once coveted trophy. The most marketable player on the team was named Most Valuable Player (MVP) of the NBA Finals.

The Mayor of the City that is home to the champions is also hoping that his City has a hockey team that might have won the Stanley Cup last week. At a press conference to congratulate the championship team, the Mayor announced that he has never witnessed a more exciting Super Bowl.

The television network that hosted the finals proudly announced that ratings eclipsed a Laverne & Shirley marathon in Milwaukee. Neilsen ratings reported the deciding game of the NBA Finals received slightly less viewership than a video featuring a Jay-Z remix of Rosie O'Donnell squabbling with Elizabeth Hasselbeck.